• What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
  A flat minor.
• What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army base?
  A flat Major.
• A note left for a pianist from his wife: Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.
• Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning?
  They never struck the same place twice.
• Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
  It makes a louder noise when you drop it off a cliff.
• Why was the piano invented?
  So that the musician would have a place to put his snack.

• How many organists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Two. One to change the bulb, and one to complain that the switch doesn't have any combination pistons.
• What's better than roses on your piano?
  Tulips on your organ.

• How can you tell if there is a synthesiser player at your door?
  You think you hear him knocking but you're not quite sure.

• If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.
• How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
  None. They can't get up that high.
• What is the definition of an octave?
  An octave can be described as having eight diatonic steps, twelve chromatic steps, or twenty-seven when sung by a tenor.
• What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
  The baritone.
• What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
  About 10 pounds.
• How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Just one; she just holds it in place, and the whole world revolves around her.
• How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Two. One to change it and one to watch and say, "Don't you think that's a bit high for you, dear?"
  
• How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
  None; she thinks it's the accompanist's job.
• How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
  None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
• What's the difference between a soprano and a Jaguar?
  Most musicians have never been in a Jaguar.
• Why is the soprano standing outside the door?
  She forgot the key. What is the difference between a dressmaker and a soprano?
  The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
• How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
  None, because they cannot reach it.
• What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
  More body hair on the alto.
• How do you know that it's the lead singer knocking at your front door?
  You open the door and he still doesn't know when to come in.
• What´s the difference between a female lead singer and a terrorist?
  You can negotiate with a terrorist.
• What is the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
  The lipstick.
• What is the difference between a soprano and a pit bull terrier?
  The jewelry.
• What is the definition of an alto?
  A soprano who can read.
• How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eyes?
  Shine a torch in her ear.

• Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet into the earth?
  Because deep down he was a nice guy.
• What's the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead snake in the road?
  There are skid marks in front of the snake.
• Why are conductor's hearts coveted for transplants?
  They've had so little use.
• What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
  A Doberman.
  One of the members of the symphony calls the front office asking for the conductor. The receptionist informs him that the conductor is dead. The next day, he calls again, asking for the conductor. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, the conductor is dead". The musician calls on the next day, again asking for the conductor. The exasperated receptioninst says, "Look, why do you keep calling here? I'm telling you, the conductor is DEAD!! To which, the symphony member calmly replied, "I just really enjoy hearing you say that!".
• In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as "strings". Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as "percussionists". Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.
• What's the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead snake in the road?
  There are skid marks in front of the snake.
• What's the difference between a band director and a bag of fertilizer?
  The bag.
• A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit said, "Watch where you are going. Can't you see that I am blind?" The snake replied. "No. I can't see that you are blind because I am blind myself." Then the rabbit got a brilliant idea. "Why don't we feel each other and guess what the other is?" The snake accepted this proposal and went first. The snake said, "Let's see -- your furry with long ears and a cotton tail - you must be a rabbit." "Very good," said the rabbit. "Now it's my turn. You are cold, slimy, spineless and have no ears. You must be a conductor."
• Did you hear about the plane load of conductors en route to a festival? The good news, it crashed. The bad news, there were three empty seats.
• What is the difference between God and a conductor?
  God knows he's not a conductor.
• What is the definition of an assistant conductor?
  A mouse trying to become a rat.
• What is the difference between alto clef and Greek?
  Some conductors actually read Greek.

Baritones

• How do you call a baritone player?
  Euphonium.

French Horns

• How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
  Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
• How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
  Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.
• How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
  They can't -- they gyrate too much and fall off the ladder.
• Why is playing an French horn solo like wetting your pants?
  Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares.
• Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?
  Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out.
• Conductor: "Back to bar one." French hornist, "My part doesn't have numbers."

Trombones

• How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
  Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
• What's the definition of a gentleman?
  Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.
• Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.
• What did Captain Picard say when he entered a jazz club and saw a trombonist on stage?
  "Computer: End program!"
• What do 4 trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea?
  A good idea!
• How do you know if there's a trombonist at your door?
  The doorbell drags
• How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?
  He can't swing and he complains about the slide.
• How many trombone players does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.
• Why is a dead snake in the road more tragic than a dead trombonist in the road?
  The snake may have been on the way to a recording session.
• What does a trombonist say at his night job?
  "Would you like fries with that burger?"
• Someone asks a trombonist: "What's the subdominant of F major?
  " The trombonist is confused: "What????? I thought F major was the subdominant!"
• How many bass trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
• What is the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
  It's easier to improvise on the chain saw.

Trumpets

• What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
  Their personality.
• How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
  5, one to change it and 4 to tell him how much better they could do it.
• How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Four. One to do it and three to stand around and brag about how much better they could have done it.
• How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
  Write mp on the part.
• What's the secret trumpet handshake?
  Shake hands and say "Hi! I'm better than you."
• What´s the difference between a free jazz trumpet player and a terrorist?
  The terrorist has sympathizers.
• How are trumpets like pirates?
  They are both murder on the high C's.
• Three famous trumpet players are up in a airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't you all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?"
• Why did the trumpet player play a loud, blaring jazz solo during a slow, soft symphonic movement?
  Because the part was marked tacit, and he thought it said "Take it!"
• What´s the difference between a free jazz trumpet player and a terrorist?
  The terrorist has sympathizers.
• What is the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
  I don't know either.
• Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
  He's too sensitive.

Tubas

• What is the range of a tuba?
  Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.
• What's a tuba for?
  13/4" x 33/4".
• How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Five: One to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp and three to drink until the room spins.
• Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?
  He's a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.
• Two tuba players walk past a bar. Hey, it could happen!!
• How do you fix a broken tuba?
  With a tuba glue.
• Tuba player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
  Friend: "I hope so."
• An out-of-work conductor got a job as a hit-man. He got an assignment for a kill and was driving down the road when he saw his target on one side of the road and a tuba player on the other side of the road. Who did he kill first and why?
  The target - business before pleasure.
• How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
  - Ten. One to change it, and nine to congratulate him down at the pub afterwards.

Quartet

• The composition of a string quartet: 1 good violinist, 1 bad violinist, 1 really bad violinist who became a violist, 1 cellist who hates all violinists - all getting together to complain about composers.
• String players' motto: It's better to be sharp than out of tune.

Cellos

• Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
  So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
• How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
  Write 'pp, espressivo'.
• What's the difference between a cello and a coffin. The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
• A female cellist stayed first chair because she kept her scherzo short.
• How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
  Sell it and buy a violin.

Double Bass

Why is a string bass better than a cello?
1. The string bass holds more beer. 2. The string bass burns longer.
• Why did the string bass player get angry at the timpanist?
  Because the timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
• How do you make a double bass sound in-tune?
  Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
• Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune that his section noticed?
• Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks they agreed to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the performance from the front of house. Joe took his break. Back in the pit that evening Moe asked how it was. "Great!", says Joe, "You know that bit where the music goes 'BOOM Boom Boom Boom' – well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time".

Guitars

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.
• How do you make him stop playing?
  Put notes on it!
• What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
  Counterpoint.
• What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
  When you plug them in, they suck.
• What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
  Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
• What's the definition of counterpoint?
  Two guitar players reading the same chart.
• Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales. Each contributed the one he knew.
• How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  Six: one to screw it in, and five to say "I can do that!"
• What are the two most frequent heavy metal guitarist lies?
  1. I am not too loud! 2. I have already turned it down!
• How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  None – they just steal someone else's light.

Harps

• A harp is a nude piano.
• A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.
• What is the definition of a quarter tone?
  A harpist tuning unison strings.
• How long does a harp stay in tune?
  About 20 minutes...or until someone opens a door.
• Why are harps like elderly parents?
  They're both unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.

Violas

• What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
  You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
• What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
  The dog knows when to stop scratching.
• Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
  It saves time.
• What is the definition of perfect pitch?
  When you get the viola into the toilet without hitting the sides.
• What is the definition of a major seventh?
  A violist playing octaves.
• What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
  A semi-tone.
• When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
  It doesn't matter.
• What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
  A viola burns longer.
• What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
  Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
• How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
  Put it in a viola case.
• What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
  Terrorists have sympathizers.
• Why are violas larger than violins?
  They're not. The violist's head is smaller.
• How do you make a violist play vibrato?
  Write a whole note and put "SOLO" over it.
• How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
  The bow is moving.
• How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
  Sit in the back and don't play.
• Why are violin jokes so short?
  So violists can understand them.
• A violinist and a violist fall off a tall building. Who hits the ground first?
  The violinist; the violist stops to ask directions.
• What are the requirements for the 2nd round of the International Viola competition?
  Holding the viola by memory.
• What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
  The dog knows when to stop scratching.
• How many violists does it take to tile a kitchen?
  Just one but you must slice him very thin.
• One day, the conductor of a no-name orchestra got seriously ill, so they pulled the second to last viola player to conduct for him. Everything went off without a hitch, and the orchestra sounded great! So, for the upcoming concert, they fired their old conductor and let the viola player do it. It was great! They got rave reviews, went on numerous tours all over the world, and became the most famous orchestra in history. Then one day, the viola player told the concertmaster that he would like to go back and play, and could they hire a new conductor. So, the viola player went back to his seat, where his stand partner quickly asked, "Oh, and where have YOU been?"
• Johnny comes home from school, and says to his mom, "Mommy, I learned the alphabet today! The rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all the way through!" Johnny's mom says, "Very good, son. That's because you're a violist." Johnny comes home the next day and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, I counted to a hundred today! Everyone else couldn't get past 60, but I made it all the way to 100!" And his mom says, "Excellent. That's because you're a violist." The next day, Johnny comes home and says, "Mommy, the teacher measured everyone's height in class today, and I was taller than everyone. Is that 'cause I'm a violist?" His mom shakes her head and says, "No, honey; that's because you're twenty-six."

Violins

How is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
• Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays?
  Because there's no spit valve.
• What do you do if you're short a violinist?
  Have a percussionist drag his fingernails across a chalkboard.
• What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
  No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
• Why should you never drive a roof nail with a violin?
  You might bend the nail.

Bagpipes

• Why do bagpipe players march when they play?
  1. To try to get away from the sound. 2. It's harder to hit a moving target.
• What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back?
  Leave them there.
• What does one bagpipe player never say to another?
  "Hey man, what key's it in?"
• Did you know the Irish invented the bagpipes as a joke? The Scots haven't gotten it yet.

Bassoons

• Why did the chicken cross the road?
  To get away from the bassoon recital.
• What are burning oboes used for?
  To set bassoons on fire.
• What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
  
  1. Bassoons are more fun to jump on.
  2. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline!
• Why don't bassoonists ever catch a cold?
  Even viruses have pride.
• How many bassonists does it take to eat a possum?
  Two. One to eat, one to watch for traffic.

Clarinets

• What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
  Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
• Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat?
  Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.
• Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard?
  So they can park in handicapped spaces.
• How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Just one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before finding just the right one.
• What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
  Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
• What's the difference between a clarinet's and a saxophone's hospital use?
  The saxophone is used to lull crying babies to sleep and the clarinet to wake coma patients.
• What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
  Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.
• What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain?
  Gifted.
• What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain?
  An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.
• What's the definition of a nerd?
  Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
• The clarinet is the only instrument the only thing worse than which is two.
  – Ambrose Bierce

Flutes

• What's the definition of a minor second?
  Two flutes playing a unison
• How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Just one, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be pushed in.
• How many flutists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Just one, but he'll spend $5,000 on a Sterling silver bulb.
• How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
  None -- they will get their boyfriend to do it.
• How do you put a sparkle in a flutist's eye?
  Shine a flashlight in her ear.
• What key is the alto flute pitched in?
  G -- I really don't care, either!!

Piccolos

• What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
  When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.
  Two musicians were walking down the street and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
• What's the difference between a piccolo and a dog whistle?
  
  1. The what between a piccolo and and a dog whistle.
  2. Dog whistles are played by men to attract dogs.
  3. If you have good ears, you can hear a dog whistle.
  4. A dog whistle irritates only one species.
  5. .Tuning.
  6. In marching band, the dog whistle is dangerous, while the piccolo is merely useless.
  7. The price.
  8. The value.
  9. People with dog whistles usually know how to play them.
  10. You can't tune a piccolo.

Oboes

• What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
  Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
• What's the definition of a minor second?
  Two oboes playing in unison.
• What do you call an oboist who is deaf?
  Principal.
• How many oboists does it take to change a lightbulb. One, but by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.
• Did you hear about the successful hunter's secret to attracting so many ducks?
  He paid an oboe player to go along with him and play.
• How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
  Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
• An explorer was travelling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "oboe solo".
• A conductor calls the doctor to find out what to do after the oboist swallows her reed. The doctor replies, "Have you tried muted trumpet?"
• What's the difference between an oboe playing in tune and Star Trek?
  Star Trek could actually happen one day.
• What is the definition of a half stop?
  Two oboes playing in unison.
• What is the definition of a major second?
  Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

Saxophone

• What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
  It's all in the grip.
• What is the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
  The exhaust.
• What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
  You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors
• don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.
• What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
  Vibrato.
• What do a saxophone and baseball have in common?
  People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
• Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
• As a guy walks thruogh a forest, a fairy suddenly appears and offers him a free wish, whatever it might be. So he takes out a pocket atlas and points towards different continents: "See, here, is suffering, there, is hunger and over there, people are tortured. I want all people to be free and healthy! Can you do that?" The fairy sighs and says: "Well, this is nearly impossible, even for me. Is there a chance that you can come up with another wish instead that would make it a little easier?" The guy answers: "As a matter of fact, there is. See, I play the soprano saxophone, and I have such a hard time with the intonation in the upper register. Do you think you could..." "Okay, okay, let's look at your atlas one more time..."
• Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?
  Because he kept ignoring the key signature -- he thought it was a suggestion.
• What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?
  You can tune a lawnmower. And, the neighbors care if you don't return it.
• What't the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax?
  The theory doesn't have as many leaks.
• How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax?
  Add vibrato.

• How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?
  The knocking gets faster.
• How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
  The knocking gets slower.
• What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
  A drummer.
• If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
• "Excuse me... How late does the band play?
  " "Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."
• What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
  Drool.
• What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians?
  A drummer.
• How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  None. There's machines that can do that now.
• Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up." Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."
• What's the difference between a drummer and an electric drum machine?
  You only have to punch the information into the machine once.
• Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
  He had to break the window to get the drummer out.
• How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
  You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
• How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
  Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
• What were the drummer's last words?
  "Hey, guys, check out this song I wrote..."
• How do you tell if the stage is level?
  The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
• What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
  Homeless.
• Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses do?
  So they don't disgrace themselves during a parade!
• A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. He decides on an accordion and asks to look at some in a music store. The owner gestures to a shelf and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says "Yes, how did you know?"
  The owner says "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."

• An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.
• Why doesn't heaven have a pipe organ?
  Because they needed the keys in hell to make accordions.
• What's an accordion good for?
  Learning how to fold a map.

• The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
• It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
• Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
• Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
• All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
• Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
• Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
• Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
• Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
• A harp is a nude piano.
• The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.
• An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.
• The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
• Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of playing a piece.
• Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.
• I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
• Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
• My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
• Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.
• Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
• Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.